Do not fear failure. But, please, be terrified of regret. Giving up is the birth of regret.

Deshauna Barber

This post is for my daughter (and every student).

You are coming of age in a world that sends you mixed signals. It tells you to speak your truth, but punishes you when your voice shakes the room. It encourages you to lead, but withholds support when you dare to do it differently. It posts motivational quotes on social media but discourages actual risk-taking in real life. I want to tell you something no poster, teacher, or influencer may say plainly: Success doesn’t come without scars.

You will fall. You will be overlooked. You will fail—again and again. But what will matter more than anything is how you respond. Will you get back up? Will you refine your craft? Will you push forward without applause?

Leadership—for community, for justice, for purpose—requires more than credentials or charisma. It requires courage. It requires showing up even when it’s easier to hide. It means staying the course when others waver. As I’ve told you time and again: respect is earned, not given. It’s earned in the quiet moments when you choose not to quit. It’s earned when your preparation meets your persistence.

Let me tell you about a woman named Deshauna Barber. She is a former U.S. Army Reserve captain who became Miss USA in 2016. She wasn’t crowned the first time she competed. Or the second. Or the fifth. She lost six times before finally winning Miss District of Columbia. That seventh attempt? It changed her life.

I joined my first pageant at 19. I lost. I lost again. I lost six times before I finally won Miss District of Columbia. That seventh attempt changed everything.

Deshauna Barber

You need to know what that means. She failed publicly. She kept showing up, even when people probably whispered that she should give up. She stood under lights she hadn’t yet earned, waiting to hear a name that wasn’t hers. Yet she kept walking onto the stage. Why? Because she understood what so many people miss: Rejection isn’t a reason to stop—it’s a reminder to sharpen.

So what do you need to do, to experience success instead of a lifetime of what-ifs? Let’s break it down.

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1. Choose Discipline Over Drama

Deshauna didn’t become Miss USA because she got lucky. She became Miss USA because she trained harder when it was easier to sulk. She studied her posture, her presence, her answers. She mastered her weaknesses instead of performing only her strengths.

You’ll be tempted by distractions. You’ll feel the pull of convenience. But don’t chase the moment—build the momentum. Wake up early. Make a schedule. Stick to your purpose, even when your feelings don’t cooperate.

Drama may get attention—but discipline gets results.

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2. Master Your Craft Like It’s Your Family Name is on the Line

You don’t get to ask for respect if you haven’t done the work. Whatever you choose—law, business, archeology, nursing, public policy activism—be undeniable. Read the books others skim. Practice when others coast. Ask the hard questions. Take feedback with humility. Build excellence brick by brick until your talent speaks louder than your résumé.

Deshauna wasn’t just beautiful. She was brilliant, poised, articulate. She trained like a soldier and spoke like a scholar.

I want you to fail. I want you to fail hard and often. Because the difference between winners and losers is that winners show up.

DeShauna Barber

You must be willing to do the invisible work that builds visible results. And when others doubt your ability, let your preparation answer for you.

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3. Show Up, Especially When It Hurts

You will face rejection. You might be the only woman of color in the room. The only young voice. The only one who says “no” when everyone else nods.

But leadership isn’t forged in comfort. It’s tested in tension.

Deshauna got up on that stage six times, knowing she might not win. That takes grit. That takes vision. If you only show up when it’s easy, the world will only see a fraction of who you are. You’ve got to show up when it’s hard. When your stomach turns. When your hands shake. When the whispers say you’re not ready.

Show up anyway.

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4. Use “No” as Your Compass

Every “no” you hear is a signpost—not a dead end. Rejection is just redirection. When someone says no, ask yourself: What did I learn? What can I improve?

Did you know that each time Deshauna didn’t win, she sought out judges and pageant directors to ask why? She didn’t cry in the car and quit. She went back to the mirror, took notes, made changes. Then she returned sharper, stronger, more ready than before.

Most people give up because they take rejection personally. But you must take rejection as fuel.

Study your losses like a blueprint. Find the lesson, then build again.

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5. Root Yourself in Purpose, Not Popularity

Don’t lead for likes. Don’t act for applause. If your dreams depend on external validation, they will crumble under pressure.

Deshauna wasn’t just in it for the crown. She knew that her visibility meant something to young women who had never seen a military woman win a pageant. She knew her crown would speak to veterans, Black women, and overlooked voices in rooms that often forget them.

You must define your purpose. Why do you want to lead? What do you want to change? Who do you want to uplift? Let that purpose keep you grounded.

If you chase popularity, you’ll bend. If you root in purpose, you’ll rise.

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6. Prepare Like a Pro, Not a Procrastinator

Every great moment is preceded by hundreds of invisible ones. What you do in silence shows up in life. Preparation is your security. It builds confidence, poise, and power.

Practice your presence. Write your vision. Plan your next step. Don’t wing your dreams—work them.

And when you feel overwhelmed, remember: you’re not starting from scratch. You’re building on everything you’ve survived.

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7. Let Failure Strengthen You, Not Scar You

This is the part I want you to memorize: Failure is not final.

It’s a teacher. A firestarter. A ladder. But only if you choose to use it that way.

I’ve failed more times than I want to remember. I’ve lost jobs, been betrayed, been rejected. But I’m still standing—not because I’m perfect, but because I refused to give up.

You must do the same. Feel your disappointment. Mourn your losses. But then? Get up. Write it down. Learn from it. Speak about it.

Turn the attacks into testimonies.

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8. Lead With Integrity—Even When It Costs You

Leadership isn’t just about titles or trophies. It’s about doing what’s right when it’s not convenient. It’s about speaking up when others stay silent. It’s about keeping your word when no one’s watching.

Deshauna led with integrity. She didn’t hide her scars. She stood proud, military boots and all, and said: This is who I am—and I belong here.

So do you.

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Final Words from a Dad

So how do you prepare?

You prepare by doing the work—in silence, in struggle, in solitude. You prepare by believing in yourself even when the world doesn’t. You prepare by staying faithful to your vision and relentless in your pursuit.

You are not owed success. It’s not a right. But you can build it. And you will.

Because when people try to minimize you, your performance will amplify you. When the world delays your breakthrough, your preparation will carry you. And when failure comes knocking, your courage will answer the door.

This is what I know: Respect is earned. And you are worthy of every ounce of it.

One day, you’ll look back at struggles not with shame—but with pride. You’ll tell your story. And someone else—a student in the crowd—will believe they can rise because she saw that you did.

With all the love, pride, and faith in you.

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